Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.