♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”