♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
This was the best day of my life
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started