Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

real

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.