♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
back to work
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
my fav colour is also hitler
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
That’s amazing.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*