Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.