Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here