Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Jesus Christ lmao

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

😂😂😂

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.