♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.