Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

this is so top tier i cant

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Frog purse.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

I feel it

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.