Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.