Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

certified hallow’s eve classic

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations