Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me