Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

fixed it

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”