Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.