Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.