♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The internet is full of many things
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*