Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

I hate when that happens.

Trying

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol