♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
New menu item
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too