Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

☠️ ☠️

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Noah was an idiot.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”