♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.