♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.