Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break