Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

zone out

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?