♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
the three branches of government
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief