♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.