♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Sorted
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!