♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m not lazy
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you