♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
subtitles are so good nowadays
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
You got this…
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.