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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”