⚠️ Important Reminder:
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*