Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I mean…but I did

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.