Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Baking is just science you can eat.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Single and childfree like Jesus

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Not all heroes wear capes…

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.