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“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
#gardening
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be