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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
*limbos away from your hug*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.