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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Become ungovernable.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Finally
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.