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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
bears
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards