✌️
You Might Also Like
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Risking my life for fun.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
