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new wife guy just dropped
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.