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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.