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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
when there are deer in the woods
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered