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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*