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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Lube but for my dry humor.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.