✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
You Might Also Like
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
when dads have a rap battle
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.