✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
You Might Also Like
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…