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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My life in a nutshell
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
channeling her this year
