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I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)