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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My favorite farside!!
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends