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[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG