❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Twitter is an abusement park.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
was Jim off killing horses or…
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth