❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
