❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
You Might Also Like
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
black phone good
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.