❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.