You Might Also Like
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
You better wish for more oil
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.