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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The 4 stages of a family vacation
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣