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N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Lmao 🤣
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.