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people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
where do you see yourself in five years?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog