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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Anyone want a chair?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
