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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
tfw you realize …
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]