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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
What the hell is going on?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out