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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
(Jupiter –
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.