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if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH