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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.