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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Go gym
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated